But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
