Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
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I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
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