people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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