I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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