I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
