Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Randomize
