It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i will never coherently bang her
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
