Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Houston, we have a blender
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
