Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
