cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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