I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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