Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
