She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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