just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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