my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I will pee on everything he values.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
