I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
