I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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