I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
