that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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