dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Randomize
