I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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