You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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