My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
