So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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