hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
