is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
