I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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