I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
