I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
