I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
