YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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