Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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