but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Randomize
