Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Randomize
