The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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