It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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