when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
