I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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