Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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