oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Randomize
