Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
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