I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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