I look better un-naked...
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
