I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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