The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
