i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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