I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
