My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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