Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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