you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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