Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
