You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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