So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
