I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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