my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
My vagina is very pro this idea
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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