Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
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Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
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You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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