So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Be still, my beating vagina.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
