i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
