God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
