oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
