I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
