If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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