the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Randomize
