I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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